The day is quickly approaching when Anya will have her first major surgery since she was born on her feet. I've tried not to think about it too much as I'd start a ripple effect of worrying. So many things. Worrying is not what God wants me doing. He wants me to lean on Him, to trust that she will be taken care of and held onto by His very capable hands. So what have I done instead? I put those pesky worries and fears into a room in my mind and locked the door. With Anya's surgery coming up next Tuesday, the worries and fears are not staying where I want them. And God continues to be patient with me. So, I begin reaching out to him, praying....sharing with Him what I'm so worried and fearful about.
Anya actually has her first appointment on Monday in the Urology department. This is a follow-up appointment from her last one in September where the doctors expressed concern about her left kidney being significantly smaller than her right. They felt it was as a result of her past two UTI's especially since they were so severe, that it had created scarring and has affected the normal growth of the kidney. So, they are wanting to do a follow-up and will do another ultrasound on the kidney, then do a video urodynamic profile on the kidneys. The latter is where they will insert a catheter and empty out the bladder, then fill it back up again to see at what point the bladder is showing strain, and also to see if there is evidence of reflux. Anya had evidence of a slight reflux issue a couple years ago on her left kidney. I'm praying all goes well with this visit. I am discouraged and a little fearful though since Anya is still currently recovering from an UTI. It's her first one in two years. The not knowing drives me crazy, but boy does it drive me to seek God all the more.
Anya's surgery for her feet is on Tues. I won't get a call until Monday to be told what time her surgery will be. I will most likely be staying in a hotel that Monday night with Anya. I'm going to be going up by myself as Josh will be taking care of the rest of the kiddos. I'm so thankful for him. So thankful he's there to help the kids maintain their normal routines. I hate being apart from any of the kiddos any length of time. And Tory, she can be quite the little worrier as well. It's also going to drive me crazy to be without Josh, and I have to admit to being a little anxious not to have him by my side while I wait through Anya's surgery, to have his comfort and the strength he brings. Leaning on God even more.... The procedure that Anya will be having is on the medial part of each foot, starting on the side of the big toe going back toward the heel up alongside the inside part of the ankle. The purpose in all this is to help release the muscles and tendons that is making the foot tight and turn in so that it will hopefully flatten out more and rotate out better. I know in my mind that she will make it through this just fine. And from my own experience as I had this done on my own feet when I was Anya's age. I still can't help but to think of things like her comfort and her fears, about outside influences like if there's an adverse reaction to the anesthesia, and the imagination can just go crazy from there and I have to just stop. The doctors are also wanting to keep her overnight to make sure she is doing ok. I don't want her alone one moment. I want to be there for her every moment. So, in that lies another big worry and fear.
This is a touchy subject, because this part involves my ex-husband and his wife who had also been a close friend ( She'll be @->- ). My struggles and growth in my relationship with them has brought me so much closer to God in understanding His infinite love for me and for them. I have no desire to speak badly of them at all. God has brought about within me a level of forgiveness, understanding, love that definitely doesn't come from me but Him. Even with that I have my own human struggles. I pray continually for His help in growing me more deeply, loving while still protecting myself and having healthy boundaries. To be honest I struggle most with @->-. I know she loves my girls. We did stuff as a family together all the time. They love her. I also know she has her own insecurities, fears, struggles, things she's working on. I try to put things from their perspective so that I will give them consideration, and treat them the way I'd like to be treated with the girls. In her love for my girls there have been many times when consideration hasn't been given, or boundaries were crossed. Hey, I haven't been perfect either...this is a work in progress. I know that is something she is working on. She's never been a step-parent before. I've been a step-parent for 9 years and am once again to two kiddos. It can be an unappreciated role. I don't want that for her. So here it is, I'm still worrying about those boundaries and consideration when we're at the hospital. I worry about being pushed aside.
Anya is going to have 3 parents with her that love her very much, to give her the support that she needs. I need to focus on that. Cause really...I'm focusing on the fact that I'm her Mommy and I want to be by her side. Anya needs all of us. God has placed all of us in Anya's life for a reason, and we are all her caretakers for just a little while...taking part in helping her to grow in her relationship with the Lord, teaching her His ways. It's so hard to get past a mama's instincts. I pray for love, consideration, kindness, grace in our relationships. I pray for healing for Anya, knowledge to the doctors, the best possible results in every way
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